


Context Clues

by Sed



Series: No One In Azeroth Likes Anyone Else [3]
Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-22
Updated: 2012-05-22
Packaged: 2017-11-05 19:50:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sed/pseuds/Sed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthas calls Tirion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Context Clues

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty much solid dialogue, and solid caps. I apologize in advance for your impending blindness.

_“HELLO.”_  
  
“HELLO?”  
  
 _“HELLO?”_  
  
“HEL—WHO IS THIS?”  
  
 _“WHO DO YOU THINK IT IS?”_  
  
“I DON’T KNOW, SOME LIGHT-HATING JACKASS WHO CLEARLY ENJOYS WASTING MY TIME. IT’S NOT LIKE I CAN’T NAME A DOZEN OF THOSE OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.”  
  
 _“THAT’S HURTFUL, TIRION.”_  
  
“OH, ARTHAS, IT’S YOU. I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE VARIAN. WHAT DO YOU WANT? I AM VERY BUSY.”  
  
 _“DOING WHAT? WATCHING YOUR PALADINS FLAIL AROUND AND SMACK ONE ANOTHER WITH STICKS—BY THE WAY, THERE IS NOTHING EVEN REMOTELY SUGGESTIVE ABOUT THAT.”_  
  
Tirion was silent.  
  
 _“THAT WAS SARCASM.”_  
  
“I KNOW.”  
  
 _“I WAS COMPARING THE STICKS TO PENISES. IT WAS A METAPHOR.”_  
  
“I WAS ABLE TO PICK UP ON THAT, BUT THANK YOU FOR EXPLAINING.” As he spoke Tirion idly wound the phone cord between the fingers of his free hand. It quickly became tangled in the overlapping golden plates of his armor. He frowned.  
  
 _“SO, HOW BUSY ARE YOU?”_  
  
“WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, AND WHY DOES IT REQUIRE ME?” Tirion was used to being the last person Arthas called after everyone else turned him down. Consequently, he received calls from the Lich King rather often.  
  
 _“I WANT TO HANG OUT.”_  
  
“WHY DON’T YOU GO WITH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS?”  
  
Arthas was silent for a moment. _“I TRIED TO GET BLOODBANE TO DO SOMETHING, BUT THEN HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT SHADOWBOXES, AND I FOUND IT WAS BEST TO LEAVE BEFORE THE URGE TO SET HIM ON FIRE OVERCAME ME. I THINK WE CAN BOTH AGREE THAT WAS THE BETTER CHOICE.”_  
  
“ACTUALLY I THINK SETTING HIM ON FIRE MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER.” He paused to think. “WELL, WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?”  
  
 _“I’VE BEEN IN THE MOOD TO DO A LITTLE SHOPPING. WANT TO GO TO DALARAN?”_  
  
“I DON’T THINK THAT’S A VERY GOOD IDEA.”  
  
 _“WHY?”_  
  
“I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL YOU, ARTHAS.”  
  
 _“OH, RIGHT. WELL WHAT ABOUT STORMWIND?”_  
  
“LET’S JUST TAKE SHOPPING OFF THE LIST ENTIRELY.”  
  
 _“WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER?”_  
  
“NOT EVEN REMOTELY.”  
 _  
“I HAVE A NEW BOARD GAME. AND I’VE KNITTED SOME—”_  
  
“I DON’T THINK I’D BE VERY COMFORTABLE OVER THERE.”  
  
 _“WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY CITADEL?”_ Arthas somehow managed to sound truly offended past his gravelly monotone.  
  
“IT’S A BIT DARK.”  
  
 _“I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT THAT MEANS.”_  
  
“I PREFER THE  LIGHT.”  
  
 _“THAT SOUNDED UNDERLINED.”_  
  
“WHAT?”  
  
 _“WHY DON’T I COME TO YOUR PLACE?”_  
  
“I DON’T… REALLY HAVE A PLACE. YOU COULD COME TO THE TOURNAMENT, I GUESS.”  
  
 _“PLEASE REFER TO MY EARLIER COMMENT ABOUT STICKS AND FLAILING.”_  
  
“YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE RUDE.”  
  
 _“I’M NOT BEING RUDE, I’VE ALREADY COVERED EVERY REASON I HAVE FOR AVOIDING THAT TOURNAMENT.”_  
  
“PENISES?”  
  
 _“WHAT? NO! STICKS ARE DANGEROUS. WHY WOULD I WILLINGLY PUT MYSELF IN THAT MUCH DANGER?”_  
  
“YOU CAN CLIMB UP A GLACIER AND RESURRECT A MAD DRAGONESS BUT YOU CANNOT BRAVE THE DANGERS OF POINTY STICKS? HOW DID YOU EVEN GET UP ON THAT GLACIER?”  
  
 _“IT’S A VERY LONG STORY. LET ME JUST SAY IT INVOLVED A GREAT DEAL OF RAGE.”_  
  
“I WOULD IMAGINE. WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST FLY?”  
 _  
“THAT WOULD SEEM LIKE THE IDEAL SOLUTION, WOULDN’T IT.”_  
  
“DID YOU USE FROSTMOURNE AS A PITON?”  
 _  
“NO, AND WHAT IS A PITON?”_  
  
“HOW CAN YOU SAY NO WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A PITON IS?”  
  
 _“CONTEXT CLUES.”_  
  
“THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN ANYTHING.”  
  
 _“I ASSUMED A PITON WAS SOMETHING RELATED TO CLIMBING. I DIDN’T USE FROSTMOURNE AT ALL—I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE IT WITH ME. ARE PITONS THOSE LITTLE SPIKES PEOPLE PUT IN THE ROCK?”_  
  
“YES.”  
  
 _“THEN I DEFINITELY DIDN’T USE FROSTMOURNE AS A PITON.”_  
  
“WAIT, YOU COULDN’T HAVE RAISED SINDRAGOSA WITHOUT FROSTMOURNE.”  
  
 _“I HAD TO GO BACK FOR IT.”_  
  
“YOU FORGOT IT?”  
  
 _“I TOLD YOU IT WAS A LONG STORY.”_  
  
“I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.”  
  
 _“TRY LIVING IT! THIS WAS A MAJOR EVENT FOR ME, I DIDN’T JUST GET UP FROM THE FROZEN THRONE AND GO SAUNTERING UP THE SIDE OF A GLACIER—NO MATTER HOW COOL THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN. I HAD MANY ADVENTURES ALONG THE WAY. I COULD WRITE STORIES.”_  
  
“IT’S A LIFELESS GLACIER SURFACE, HOW COULD YOU HAVE ADVENTURES?”  
  
 _“SETTING ASIDE THE ISSUE OFYOUR TASTELESS UNDEAD JOKE—DON’T THINK I DIDN’T NOTICE IT—I CAN TELL YOU, GETTING FROM POINT A TO POINT B IS NOT SUCH A SIMPLE MATTER ON A GLACIER SURFACE. YOU LIVE HERE, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT!”_  
  
“I HAVE THE GOOD SENSE TO FLY!”  
  
 _“HOW WOULD IT HAVE LOOKED IF I HAD JUST DROPPED IN AND STUCK MY SWORD IN THE GROUND INSTEAD OF TAKING A SLOW, DRAMATIC JOURNEY TO THE SPOT WHERE I WOULD RAISE ONE OF MY MOST POWERFUL MINIONS?”_  
  
“WELL HOW DID IT LOOK WITH YOU CRAWLING LIKE A SPIDER UP THE SHEER SURFACE OF A GLACIER, ONLY TO REALIZE YOU LEFT YOUR DAMN SWORD BACK AT HOME?”  
  
 _“AT LEAST I TRIED. IF IT HAD BEEN YOU THE JOURNEY WOULD HAVE INCLUDED A PROCESSION OF GOLDEN-CLAD PALADINS, GALLOPING DOWN THE GLACIER ASTRIDE SILVERY UNICORNS, WITH HOLY LIGHT SHOOTING OUT OF THEIR ASSES. EVERYTHING YOU DO IS ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES MORE VISUALLY INTENSE THAN IT NEEDS TO BE.”_  
  
“I THINK YOU WENT A LITTLE TOO FAR WITH THE BIT ABOUT UNICORNS SHOOTING LIGHT FROM THEIR ASSES.”  
  
 _“I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT THE UNICORNS.”_

 


	2. Fame And Glory

_“HEY, TIRION? CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO? HELLO?”_  
  
“I CAN HEAR YOU, STOP SAYING HELLO!”  
  
 _“I CAN ONLY HEAR LIKE EVERY OTHER SYLLABLE.”_  
  
“WELL I CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE.”  
 _  
“I SWEAR IT’S THE SARONITE. IT’S LIKE THE DAMN STUFF IS OUT TO RUIN EVERY CONVERSATION I TRY TO HAVE. I GET ALMOST NO RECEPTION ANYWHERE IN ICECROWN.”_  
  
“WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME, ARTHAS?”  
 _  
“I WAS THINKING WE COULD HANG OUT. ARE YOU BUSY?”_  
  
“YOU’RE SERIOUS?”  
  
 _“OF COURSE I’M SERIOUS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”_  
  
“DO YOU JUST NOT HAVE ANY WINDOWS, OR ARE YOU COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS?”  
  
Arthas looked around for a window; he quickly realized there were none. _“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”_  
  
“I’M OUTSIDE YOUR GOD DAMN CITADEL RIGHT NOW.”  
 _  
“GREAT! GIVE ME LIKE AN HOUR TO GET CHANGED AND I’LL BE RIGHT DOWN.”_  
  
“WHY DOES IT TAKE YOU AN HOUR TO GET CHANGED?”  
  
 _“THERE’S A LOT OF SPIKES INVOLVED, TIRION. IT’S A COMPLICATED PROCESS.”_  
  
“OKAY, WELL, I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHY I ASKED BECAUSE I CERTAINLY DON’T CARE. BUT I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU.”  
  
 _“WHAT! WHY NOT? YOU’RE ALREADY HERE.”_  
  
“I’M HERE WITH AN ENTIRE ARMY.”  
  
 _“WHY ARE YOU HERE WITH AN ARMY?”_

  
“I WAS THINKING WE WOULD STORM YOUR CITADEL AND KILL YOU IN THE NAME OF THE  LIGHT. AND THEN MAYBE PICK YOUR CORPSE CLEAN FOR ARMOR UPGRADES AND HOPEFULLY A FLYING HORSE.”  
  
 _“W—WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!”_  
  
“POSSIBLY BECAUSE YOU’RE A HORRIBLE MONSTER ATTEMPTING TO SCOUR THE WORLD OF ALL HOPE AND LIFE.”  
 _  
“YEAH BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO KILL ME!”_  
  
“THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS. THAT’S WHAT WE DO. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS THAT YOU AREN’T AWARE OF THIS—WAIT, I REALIZED HOW STUPID THAT QUESTION WAS AS I WAS SAYING IT.”  
 _  
“OKAY, I DIDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO POINTED IT OUT. BUT SERIOUSLY, CAN’T YOU JUST WRITE ME A NASTY EMAIL OR SOMETHING? STEAL MY NEWSPAPER, HOLY SHIT MAN YOU DON’T HAVE TO STORM MY CITADEL WITH AN ARMY OF, WHAT DO YOU HAVE OUT THERE, PALADINS? DAMN IT I DO NOT WANT TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF A BUNCH OF PALADINS. THEY’RE SUCH DICKS, TIRION. BRING MAGES, I DON’T EVEN CARE. NOT PALADINS. OH GOD THE SECOND I TRY TO HIT ONE HE’LL POP A BUBBLE AND THEN I’M STUCK PLAYING MONKEY BALL FOR TWELVE SECONDS WHILE HE RUNS AROUND FLAILING. IT’S RIDICULOUS. IT’S A RIDICULOUS FINAL BATTLE.”_  
  
“THEY’RE NOT ALL PALADINS. IT’S A PRETTY DIVERSE GROUP, ACTUALLY.”  
 _  
“YEAH, SO IT’S LIKE 48 PALADINS, A PRIEST AND A HUNTER?”_  
  
“YOU’RE REALLY NOT MAKING ME FEEL AS THOUGH I SHOULDN’T WANT TO KILL YOU.”  
  
 _“SO, WHAT, I SHOULD COME OUT THERE AND KILL YOUR GUYS, I GUESS, RIGHT? WELL IT’S STILL GOING TO TAKE ME AN HOUR TO GET CHANGED.”_  
  
“I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALREADY IN YOUR ARMOR?”  
  
 _“NO, I’M IN MY ‘AROUND THE HOUSE’ CLOTHES.”_  
  
“YOU SAID YOUR CLOTHES HAD SPIKES.”  
  
 _“YEAH, BUT I NEVER SAID IT WAS MY BATTLE ARMOR.”_  
  
“YOU HAVE SPIKES ON ALL YOUR CLOTHES?”  
 _  
“SPIKES AREN’T JUST A MOMENTARY FASHION CHOICE, TIRION. THEY’RE A WAY OF LIFE.”_  
  
“I DON’T CARE! I DON’T KNOW WHY I KEEP ASKING YOU TO EXPLAIN THESE THINGS, YOU JUST COME UP WITH MORE ARBITRARY CRAP TO EXPLAIN YOUR INSANITY. IT ENDS NOW, LICH KING! GET DRESSED AND COME DOWN HERE SO WE CAN KILL YOU. OR WE CAN COME UP THERE. WHATEVER.”  
 _  
“I’LL COME DOWN THERE, IT’S PROBABLY EASIER FOR ME.”_  
  
“THANKS. I’M IN SOLID PLATE, AND—”  
  
 _“WAIT. WAIT, NO. YOU COME UP HERE.”_  
  
“OH COME ON, ARTHAS. IT’S NOT LIKE WE DON’T KNOW HOW FAST YOU’RE GOING TO CUT THESE GUYS DOWN, DO WE REALLY HAVE TO MAKE THEM JUMP THROUGH A BUNCH OF HOOPS FIRST?”  
  
 _“IT’S NOT THAT.”_  
  
The line was silent for a moment.  
  
“WHAT IS IT?”  
  
 _“I KNOW YOU’VE HEARD ABOUT THE WRATH GATE.”_  
  
“OH YEAH. WELL WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF IT HAPPENING AGAIN?”  
 _  
“WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF MORE REALLY PISSED OFF DEAD PEOPLE WITH NO MORAL SAFEGUARDS DROPPING BARRELS OF FACE-MELTING GASSEOUS DECAY ON NUMEROUS INNOCENT MEN AND WOMEN JUST TO MAKE ME COUGH FOR HALF AN HOUR? I DON’T KNOW, TAKE THE NUMBER OF FORSAKEN SYLVANAS HAS WORKING FOR HER WHO SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME DEVELOPING NEW WAYS TO COMBINE ONE DEADLY THING WITH ANOTHER DEADLY THING TO MAKE A SUPER DEADLY THING, ADD THAT TO THE YEARS STOLEN FROM THEM BY UNLEASHING THE PLAGUE ON LORDAERON. THEN MULTIPLY IT BY A LOT.”_  
  
“THAT’S ACTUALLY REALLY IMPRESSIVE MATH, DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT’S NOT MATH AT ALL.”  
 _  
“IT’S SORT OF LIKE ALGEBRA.”  
_  
“NOT REALLY…”  
  
 _“WHY MUST YOU TAKE EVERYTHING FROM ME.”_  
  
“OKAY, WE’RE COMING UP. CAN YOU BE FAIR ABOUT THIS AND ASK SOME OF YOUR GUYS TO BACK DOWN?”  
  
 _“WHY WOULD I DO THAT? YOU’RE TRYING TO KILL ME. IF ANYTHING, I’M GOING TO MAKE IT HARDER FOR YOU TO GET HERE. YOU THINK PLATE’S BAD NOW? I’M CRANKING THE A/C. TRY FIGHTING A BUNCH OF UNLIVING ATROCITIES WITH YOUR HOLY NIPPLES ATTEMPTING TO POKE THROUGH A QUARTER INCH OF SOLID METAL. ENJOY THE CHILL OF THE THRONE, ASSHOLE!”_  
  
“YOU’RE BEING IMMATURE.”  
  
 _“I THINK I’M BEING PRETTY REASONABLE CONSIDERING YOU’VE GOT AN ARMY OUTSIDE MY DOOR.”_  
  
“OKAY, CAN WE COMPROMISE ON THIS? JUST GET RID OF THE SPIDERS. I SWEAR I CAN’T HANDLE MORE SPIDERS. IT’S LIKE CHARLOTTE’S WEB IN EVERY FUCKING CORNER OF ICECROWN.”  
  
 _“NO. I’M BRINGING IN MORE SPIDERS.”_  
  
“OH, I SEE HOW THIS WORKS. OKAY. PLEASE, I WANT YOU TO BRING IN MORE SPIDERS.”  
  
 _“DONE.”_  
  
“WHAT THE HELL!”  
  
 _“YOU CAN’T TELL SOMEONE YOU’RE ABOUT TO USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON THEM. HOW DID YOU THINK THAT WAS GOING TO TURN OUT?”_  
  
“I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, WHEN YOU’RE DEAD, I’M GOING TO COMMEMORATE THE  LIGHT’S VICTORY WITH A GLORIOUS STATUE OF SHINING GOLD, EMITTING A RADIANT GLOW FOR ALL TO SEE, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DALARAN. LIKE A GIANT MIDDLE FINGER TO YOU IN THE AFTERLIFE. KEEP THAT IMAGE IN YOUR MIND AS YOU WAIT FOR US TO GET UP THERE.”  
  
 _“QUESTION, WILL THIS STATUE ACCURATELY DEPICT YOU CLIMBING OVER THE MANGLED CORPSES OF YOUR FELLOW SOLDIERS TO GRASP AT FAME AND GLORY?”_  
  
“MAYBE IT WILL BE A STATUE OF YOU IN A FRILLY LACE DRESS.”

 _  
“I BET YOU’D LIKE THAT.”_  
  
“WE’RE COMING UP NOW.”  
  
 _“I NOTICE YOU’RE NOT DISAGREEING.”_  
  
“SEE YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE.”  
  
 _“OR I COULD JUST GO OUT FOR A FEW HOURS AND LEAVE YOU STANDING AROUND HOLDING YOUR DICK IN FRONT OF THE FROZEN THRONE. WON’T THAT SUCK.”_


End file.
